Unfortunately, there is no time frame for grief as we all experience it differently. Your grief may feel sharp and painful for days, weeks or months, but will likely ease with time.
Grief doesn't follow a neat progression of stages or cycles. It's a very complicated and personal thing. There will be a lot of regression, or backtracking to earlier "stages" or "tasks". And that's okay. It just means you are fully working it through in your own way.
There might be times when you feel forgetful, confused or even a little crazy during grief. This can sometimes manifest as a struggle to concentrate, forgetfulness or feeling disorganised.
Just know that it’s completely normal to feel this way for a time. Grief affects people physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. If you are feeling like you are going crazy, you are probably fine, and this may be a normal part of your grief process. If the feeling persists for several months, we encourage talking to a loved one or a trusted healthcare provider.
There are a number of things you can do to manage your grief. Here are some ideas;
Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never end. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.
Grief is also a unique and intensely personal experience. How you experience grief depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, the nature of the loss and the support you have around you.
The grieving process always takes time, as does the healing process. Even members of the one family mourning the loss of the same person will show their grief in different ways or will begin to recover from grief at different times.
Another way of looking at grief is to acknowledge that it is our natural resistance to the changes brought about by a person’s death. Over time you will adapt to these changes in your life, your thoughts, your hopes, your beliefs and your future.
It is very important to allow yourself to express your feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain or ignore your feelings, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those buried feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.
Seldom are we, whether as an adult or a child, ready for a parent’s death. Losing a mother or father is difficult to come to terms with, because you've lost part of your past, a part of yourself, a friend, a helper – someone who has looked after you and cared for you during your whole life.
When grieving the loss of a parent, remember it is typical to experience intense emotions like anger, sadness, loneliness and helplessness. Take the time to adapt to each feeling rather than trying to control it. Through acceptance, you can allow yourself to fully experience emotions without judging whether you should be feeling the way you do. Try to continue with your daily routine as much as possible, taking each day one at a time.
Losing a baby is one of the most devastating experiences any parent could face. Nothing can take away the pain or fill the child’s place in your heart.
Parents often retain strong feelings of guilt and sometimes a sense of responsibility for what happened even when they've been told there was nothing they could have done to prevent the death.
Acknowledging your baby's death – as well as your lost hopes and dreams for their future – is an important part of the grieving process. It's often comforting and therapeutic to share your grief and feelings with others who have had similar losses.
The death of a child is unlike any other loss you will ever experience. It is devastating and alters lives forever.
Whether expected or unexpected, regardless of age or cause, a child’s death seems unbelievable, unfair and soul wrenching. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died and that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away.
Parents will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death. Parents will always be the loving father and mother of that child.
Grief, though painful, is a journey that can help us create a new life. It’s a journey into a ‘new normal’ where hope, meaning and joy can live again. Parents must find ways to hold onto their memories so that their child is always a treasured part of their life.
When a colleague dies it leaves both a personal and professional void as these days, many people spend more of their waking hours at the workplace than at home.
We form relationships, even if those relationships consist of merely saying hello as you pass by someone's desk each morning. A co-worker's death can mean the loss of a friend, but also the loss of someone we depend on to help us do our jobs.
Feelings of grief are different for everyone. Grieving staff may feel sad for the loss of the person who is gone from their lives, feel relief at the end of a person’s suffering, or re-experience the grief of their own past losses. To help the grieving and healing process it is essential to support one another and talk openly about the deceased co-worker.
The sudden death of a person close to you is always a very painful and difficult experience. A sudden, accidental, unexpected or traumatic death can generate intense grief responses such as shock, disbelief, guilt, anger, sudden depression, despair and hopelessness.
The grief response following a sudden loss is often intensified since there was little or no opportunity to prepare for the loss, to say goodbye, to finish unfinished business or to prepare for bereavement.
Sudden losses, like all losses, are very distinct and are likely to affect survivors in many different ways. One cannot compare loss. The greatest loss is the one that the grieving person is suffering right now. Each loss creates its own unique issues. It is important to allow each family member to express their grief in their own time and individual style.
Grief after suicide is similar to grief after other types of death. However suicide raises additional complex grief issues because of the sudden and traumatic nature of the death.
A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear. It can leave family and friends with the tremendous burden of unanswered questions and this can be very hurtful. If you are going through feelings like this in the first few weeks after a suicide then counselling may be beneficial.
In Australia, there are a number of support services available, including:
When helping children deal with their grief, it is probably most important to remember at least two things:
Children deserve clear and honest answers to their questions, especially the difficult ones. They also deserve for us to be open with them concerning our own grief. Often cuddles, hugs and some quiet time together will satisfy a child who is feeling frightened or unsure about the changes happening in the family.
Adults should not hide their own tears from children of any age – your grief will show them that they need not be ashamed or scared to express their own. If children don’t have good role models in the process of grieving they may learn unhelpful ways of coping with grief such as masking their true feelings or believing that they must bear their hurt, confusion, questions, anger or fear silently.
It’s often hard to know just what to say when you know someone who’s grieving. We tend to avoid the subject and the person or people who are affected by the death.
The best thing to do is allow the person to cry and show how they feel. Talk about the person who’s died and listen to the circumstances of the death.
Saying something like, “I’m sorry” is simple but can mean so much to someone who is grieving. They often just need someone to talk to, someone who’ll let them share their feelings and their memories.
It’s best not to say things like “be brave” or “be strong” – this encourages grieving people to bottle up their feelings, and avoid saying “I know how you feel” – we can never feel another’s inner feelings, or fully know all the things that are part of someone else’s grief.
The most loving thing you can do for your friend is just be there with them and for them. Offer practical help such as buying groceries or cooking meals. Do this not just in the days straight after the death but in the months to come when the real effect of the death is often being felt.
It is important to know you don’t have to go through this alone. Asking for help, even professional help is not a sign of weakness or failure, it could be just the support you are looking for. Most people find they feel better after speaking with someone about what they are going through. Grief support services can also give assistance to help you put strategies in place to help cope with the grief in a loving and caring way.
Counsellors can also offer you encouragement, support and advice. They will not tell you what to do or how you should be feeling, but they may put forward ideas and strategies to help you cope.
Here, we’ve compiled a range of grief support resources in Canberra.
All societies have their own customs and beliefs surrounding death. It is vitally important for people to respect a culture's traditions, rituals and practices, even if you are not familiar with them or don’t understand them.
Ultimately, grief is a uniquely personal experience and each person who misses the departed should be able to express their grief in the most appropriate manner.
Sharing your thoughts and memories of the departed can show to people of other cultures just how much that person meant to you, and can keep lines of communication open for you to continue to share your memories in the years ahead.
A permanent memorial is very important to coping with grief.
For example, when a loved one is buried there is a place where loved ones can always visit, any time they want, and they can be with their thoughts for the person they are missing. This can be very important at times of the year like Mother's or Father's Day, at Christmas and at anniversaries.
Places holding permanent memorials are also places where people feel they have permission to express their emotions of loss, sadness and even anger. It can be very helpful for people dealing with grief to have a place like this.
When someone is cremated, families often choose to scatter the ashes at a place that was significant to their loved one: the garden in the family home, for example. However, people can lose touch with locations such as this when the family home is sold, or when the land use rules for a favoured location, like a park or golf course, are changed.
Many families now choose to create a permanent memorial for their cremated loved one, as well as taking a portion of the ashes to scatter at a place of significance. This gives the family all the benefits of having a permanent place to visit, as well as honouring the wishes of their loved one to have their ashes scattered somewhere close to their heart.
Whether you've recently lost a loved one or you’re planning for the future, our Canberra funeral directors are always here to help.
